When thinking about my arrival upon the homeless shelter i envisioned kindred spirits infuriated by their arrival at this point in their lives, and nothing on their minds but the betterment of themselves. in some cases, this holds true, but in the majority i sense a maybe not contentedness, but a feeling of a foundation that over time, has just settled into the ground of where its at, instead of remaining on top, and supporting its load. I see tell tale signs of personal vices, mental illness, trauma, physical disabilities, and resigned complacency.
A Resident celebrated his 51st birthday today in the shelter, along with his wife, and two children. as i take joy that the family is together and in the same spot and sharing likewise joy, i also take it with a deadly seriousness. as i don't want to be that position with my family. a sobering reminder to the fact that whole families eve families that have the experience and technical expertise till end up out on the streets. the environment surrounding the people and the vibes emanating from allot of the residents is not one that id like to influence my kids with on a daily basis. But God takes us from every kind of upbringing and utilizes it all for the building of his kingdom of God.
I have heard God spoken of several times today, scattered though out the feeding of rules and procedures and status qou though out the day. As my goal is to incorporate God into every aspect of my life i find this unacceptable, and i aim to at least in my interactions, to speak and emanate God from my being.
The volunteers come in, rolling up in new vans, nice cars, shiny dishes, and smiles. i find myself repulsed. not at the volunteers, but at myself for being in this place, and coming to here as a near 21 year old. and showing nothing to amount for it outwardly. Their smiles shine all the way to their eyes, and i look for pity to satisfy my own self loathing, but i see none in their glances, nor gestures. but instead i see the same awkwardness i felt as a volunteer to the homeless shelter.
I want to scream "I'm just like you!" but in my heart i know i am not. whether its my past or choices Ive made, i remain drastically different. this saddens me, but also a small part of me ignites as a spark, saying, i can do what you can/have, but i can do it better because my life makes me more chiseled, and tenuous given the hardships i have endured. but i have no desire to be like them, but something better, and more align with a full servitude to God almighty.
Isaiah 31:1 "Woe to those who go down to Egypt for help, and rely on horses, who trust in chariots because they are many, and in horsemen because they are very strong, but who do not look to the holy one of Israel, nor seek the Lord"
As i begin this journey of seeking help from others, and humbling myself, i need to remember that God is the fountain of all the strength i need, and should draw from at all times. not myself, nor off of any other person, regardless of wealth, standing, or invitation of personal vice. with whatever feeble trust and faith i hold now in God, i must build off of and water and grow, to grow forth into a stream that will not only carry me to a path of righteousness, but also all that come along with me.
No comments:
Post a Comment